It’s one of the most common questions about relationships: how often should a couple be having sex to stay happy? The truth might surprise you. While Hollywood may suggest passionate encounters every night, research shows that the happiest couples don’t necessarily have the busiest sex lives. Rather, they have the most connected ones.
Let’s look at what studies actually say about sexual frequency and happiness, and how to find the right rhythm for your own relationship.
The Research: Once a Week May Be the “Sweet Spot”
Several extensive studies have looked at the link between sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction. The general finding? Couples who have sex about once a week report the highest levels of happiness.
Researchers at the University of Toronto-Mississauga studied over 30,000 people and found that having sex more than once a week didn’t significantly boost happiness levels. But having sex less frequently was linked to slightly lower satisfaction.
This doesn’t mean you should be aiming for once a week like clockwork. Instead, it suggests that quality intimacy, even if it’s not daily, plays a significant role in keeping couples feeling close.
Why Quality Matters More Than Quantity
Happiness in relationships isn’t just about checking intimacy off a list. The happiest couples view sex as a way to strengthen their emotional connection. Sex can be a way to reduce stress together, have fun, be playful, or simply physically express love and desire.
In other words, sex is one piece of a larger puzzle of closeness. If intimacy starts to feel like an obligation, its benefits may disappear, even if the frequency looks “ideal” on paper.
Factors That Influence Sexual Frequency
How often couples have sex depends on many things. First, think about the stage of life you’re in. New parents or caregivers may have less time and energy, while empty nesters may have more freedom. Health and stress levels also play a part. Illness, mental health issues, and daily stress can impact desire.
Your relationship quality may be a factor in this. Emotional connection often drives physical connection. Sometimes, you are dealing with individual differences. Some people simply have higher or lower libidos than others, and that’s normal. What matters most is whether both partners feel satisfied with their level of intimacy.
Tips for Finding Your Own “Right Amount”
Rather than comparing yourself to others, focus on what works for you and your partner.
Start by talking about it. Openly discuss what intimacy means to each of you. Honest conversations can reveal differences in desire and lead to solutions that work for both partners. Focus on building connection. You can foster intimacy outside the bedroom through affection, laughter, and spending quality time together. These moments often make physical intimacy more likely and more satisfying.
Consider scheduling sex, if needed. Spontaneity is great, but busy couples may benefit from intentionally making time for intimacy, even if it feels unromantic at first.
Finally, explore other forms of closeness. Cuddling, kissing, and touch release oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”) and can strengthen emotional ties even when full sex isn’t on the table.
If you feel like you’re still struggling to find satisfaction in your sex life, consider sex therapy to dig deeper into these options and uncover why you might not be having sex as often as you want.
The happiest couples don’t all have the same number. They have a shared understanding of what intimacy means in their relationship. Whether it’s once a week, twice a month, or more frequently, the key is mutual satisfaction, emotional connection, and open communication.
So instead of worrying about what’s “normal,” focus on creating a sex life that feels good for both of you, and remember that intimacy, in all its forms, is about staying connected, not meeting a quota. Feel free to contact me with any questions or to set up an appointment soon, so you can find that connection and continue building your intimacy.